My Little Ponies of the Caribbean

Jen Kirchner and I are at it again! This time we’re both taking the movie Pirates of the Caribbean and putting a slightly different twist on it. Here, I’m giving you the My Little Pony version. Over on Jen’s blog, she’s giving you Snake Plissken for the whole month of May! And today it’s “Escape from the Black Pearl.” I’ll include the link at the bottom so you don’t have to scroll back up. Enjoy.

 Ponies of the Caribbean

Captain Applejack (the worst pirate you’ve ever heard of) arrives in Port Royal hoping to find a new ship. He sets his sights on a mighty fine vessel…unfortunately guarded by the royal army. No matter, Applejack can talk his way into anything. While trying to distract the guards with tales of the dreaded pony pirate ship, the Black Pearl, he sees young Elizabeth Swan fall into the bay.

Applejack dives into the water to save her. Elizabeth ends up being quite heavy in the hideous dress she’s wearing. Applejack begs the sea ponies to help him, but they swim off in a rush. Whatever happened to “Call upon the sea ponies, simply signal SOS?” Jerks.

Applejack gets Elizabeth to shore, but alas, no good deed goes unpunished, and Clydesdale Norrington has him arrested. Captain Applejack makes a daring escape with a few cartwheels, and using a pulley system, flies into the air away from the soldiers. He tries to hide in a blacksmith’s shop where he encounters young Willy Turner.

Willy is abhorred. “Pirate!” He tries to horseshoe Applejack. The two duel, and Applejack loses. He’s arrested, jailed, and sentenced to be sent over the rainbow in the morn.

That night, after hearing from the sea ponies what Miss Swan had around her pretty neck, the pirate ship the Black Pearl sails into Port Royal. Elizabeth is kidnapped and taken aboard to Captain Berrybosa. Knowing the pirates want her gold medallion, she pleads for the safety of the town in exchange for the gold. Berrybosa calls off the attack, but keeps Elizabeth and the medallion.

You see, the crew of the Pearl are under a terrible curse. When the moon comes out, they break out in song and dance as though life were a musical. That is no way for hardcore pirates to behave. Since Elizabeth is a filly, she must have an angelic voice that will be sacrificed to break the curse.

Willy, of course, is in love with Elizabeth and will do anything to rescue her, including making a deal with Captain Applejack. Applejack agrees to help Willy find and save Elizabeth in exchange for breaking him out of jail. Though, Applejack’s true interest is in stealing the Pearl back from his mutinous first mate, Berrybosa.

Captain Applejack

On the island where the cursed Aztec gold is kept, Captain Berrybosa forces Elizabeth to sing and drop the coin into the chest. She’s quite nervous, and starts with a stutter. This is worse than when she auditioned for American Idol. The pirates snarl and shout obscenities at her—nope, Simon Cowell was worse—and she manages to get out a few notes. The pirates cover their ears and writhe on the ground. She can’t sing on key and her pitch sounds like a freight train’s screeching wheels.

The pirates scream and sob; they’re still cursed to sing and dance. Willy arrives and whisks Elizabeth away, but leaves Applejack behind. Never trust a pirate and all, though in this case it seems never trust Willy.

When Applejack learns of the curse, he makes a deal with Berrybosa. As it turns out, Willy has an amazing singing voice. Applejack heard it one night while Willy whistled while he worked. The pirates pursue them, catch them, and sink their ship.

Berrybosa, of course, isn’t going to keep his deal with Applejack, and maroons him on an island. He sends Elizabeth along as well, hoping her banshee singing will drive the pony crazy. Then Berrybosa takes Willy back to the island to break the curse.

Elizabeth starts singing a sad, sad song, and Applejack quickly goes for a hidden cache used by rum runners to drink himself tone deaf. After he passes out, Elizabeth uses all the rum to light a bonfire that any ship within miles will see. Sure enough, Clydesdale Norrington sees the flames and rescues them.

Captain Berrybosa

Elizabeth agrees to marry Norrington only if he will consent to rescue Willy. They arrive at the island, and Applejack convinces the royal navy to let him go in first. Alone. Elizabeth thinks this is a terrible idea, but she’s just a filly, so they lock her up instead. <sigh> Men. She sneaks off the ship and over to the Pearl where she rescues Applejack’s crew, but they take off, leaving her to rescue Willy alone. What about the power of friendship, guys?!

Meanwhile, Applejack tricks Berrybosa into sending the crew out to battle the royal navy. It’s a cloudy night, so no big deal. But what’s this? Applejack’s “special compass” actually holds the Rainbow of Light, which he releases, and it swoops into the night to carry the clouds away. The moon shines down on the pirates and they break out into song and dance. The royal navy is flabbergasted at first, but the pirates have had some practice choreographing their fight moves for this kind of situation, and the battle rages on.

Applejack turns on Berrybosa and they battle it out while Elizabeth sneaks in to rescue Willy. Berrybosa tries to shoot Elizabeth, but then Applejack surprises everyone by opening his mouth and belting out in a crystal clear opera voice. Willy drops the last coin into the chest, and the curse is broken! All the pirates singing and dancing on the ship suddenly stop. They’re so surprised by the loss of rhythm—and how uncoordinated they are—they surrender.

Everyone is safe, and now Captain Applejack is not only a hero, but is being bombarded with calls from agents. Even Simon Cowell wants to sign a record deal with him. But Applejack’s heart is with the Pearl, who sails in to save him at the last moment from the crowds of fawning teenage girls.

Elizabeth, who is a little miffed that she didn’t get called back to American Idol, nevertheless is allowed to marry Willy.
“Don’t worry,” he tells her. “Love is all the music we need.”

~~~

Now be sure to head over to Jen’s blog for Escape from the Black Pearl!

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Excerpt of Dreamstealer: Lexa vs. The Dress

I have another excerpt of Dreamstealer for you today, this time one with a little humor. Lexa is on her way to Teltania to see if their princess is in fact a new dreamwalker. Unfortunately, her cover for this mission is to go as a visiting diplomat of Artasia. And one must dress to fit the part…

~~~

Neil gestured to the gray-toned, crackle-textured trunk. “Mathias left this for you, but he insisted you not open it until the day before our arrival. So, here it is.”

Lexa could tell she was not going to like this. She strode forward, flipped the latch, and swung the lid up. The trunk was full of clothes, it seemed, and dresses at that. She stared at the fitted, maroon velvet gown with a cross-laced bodice on top.

“Hell no.” She slammed the lid down again.

Neil cleared his throat. “I believe his words were something about you being a lady and needing to dress to fit the part.”

No wonder Mathias hadn’t wanted her opening it until the last minute…or while he was still around. She would have strangled him. Yes, she understood the importance of playing the role of diplomat, but did he have to choose such…opulent clothes? If he had given her more time, she would have done her own shopping—which had probably been his plan all along.

Lexa threw the lid open again; the hinges rattled as they quaked under her wrath. She grabbed the maroon dress and lifted it up. It was even worse in full form: puffed sleeves at the shoulder, which tapered down into a tightly fitted cuff at the wrist. Her arms would look like mutton legs in it. She tossed it on the bed. The next dress on the pile was an aquamarine with wide, billowy sleeves and lace around the neck meant to imitate sea spray. Underneath that lay a dark green gown with a loose skirt that Lexa thought she could tolerate, but for the most part, she discarded the various dresses on the bed, her lip curling in even more disgust with each one.

“I’m going to throttle him.”

Neil arched a brow at the mess. “So you two hadn’t discussed this?”

Lexa glowered at him. “Don’t pretend that comes as a surprise. He did tell you to keep this until the last minute.”

Neil rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m not sure I see the problem.”

Lexa gestured to her plain shirt and pants, then at the dresses. “Seriously?”

He quirked a smile. “They would look stunning on you.”

“They’re ridiculous.”

“Perhaps you should try one on first.” He dug under the pile, pulled out the maroon one, and held it out to Lexa. Her fingers twitched, unwilling to even touch the extravagant fabric. But with Neil watching her closely, she swallowed her discomfort and snatched it from his hand.

“You’re forgetting a piece.” He reached into the trunk and pulled out a corset.

Lexa gave it a blank stare.

“It’s all the fashion in Teltania right now.”

“You wear it.”

~~~

I hope you enjoyed the sneak peek. I was also on Mistress of the Dark Path’s blog this weekend for an interview. Curious if I have a naughty side? …

Dreamstealer is available on Amazon, B&N, Kobo, and iTunes.

When her kingdom’s former enemy suspects their princess is a budding dreamwalker, Lexa is drafted out of retirement and sent to Teltania to train the twelve-year-old girl. But hidden agendas complicate her mission, and Lexa doesn’t know whom to trust. Meanwhile, her own dreamwalking powers are waning when she needs them most. Can Lexa decipher the mysteries at every turn, or will the dreamscape claim yet another dreamwalker?

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Shooting Star Poetry

I spent the last several days wracking my brain for something to post today. Perhaps due to the emotionally jarring events in Boston and Texas this past week, I have felt neither clever nor funny. So when all else fails, I shall give you poetry. I dug around in the recesses of my old writings and found this fantasy piece, which turns out to be appropriate for the Lyrid meteor shower that’s been going on this weekend. Hope you enjoy.

“The Night Archer”

Beyond the reach of city lights,
a black velvet canvas opens up
into a vast hunting ground.

Aries, Draco, Phoenix—
pin pricks strung together
with invisible twine.

Artemis draws back her bow;
the crescent moon arches.
The bowstring twangs, vibrating

the air as her comet strikes
Leo, shattering into shards
that flicker to the ground like dust.

No bouquet can match the stars that blossom
from her quiver, nor any crown wrap
the tresses of her starlight strands.

Did anyone get up before dawn to see the  stars in action?

~~~

I hope you enjoyed your visit and come back for more!  You can subscribe using RSS, Twitter, or Facebook.  And if you want to ensure you don’t miss any new releases, you can sign up for the newsletter!

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DREAMSTEALER is now available on Amazon, B&N, and Kobo!

When her kingdom’s former enemy suspects their princess is a budding dreamwalker, Lexa is drafted out of retirement and sent to Teltania to train the twelve-year-old girl. But hidden agendas complicate her mission, and Lexa doesn’t know whom to trust. Meanwhile, her own dreamwalking powers are waning when she needs them most. Can Lexa decipher the mysteries at every turn, or will the dreamscape claim yet another dreamwalker?

 

LOL Cat Contest Results

Thank you to everyone who played our little LOL Cat game here this week. I had a blast reading your caption suggestions and it was hard picking the final winner. But here it is! Thank you, Suzie, for the Princess Bride classic!

To read all the other great suggestions, check out Monday’s post here.

Congratulations are also in order to Alina for being the winner of the book drawing!

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DREAMSTEALER is now available on Amazon, B&N, and Kobo!

When her kingdom’s former enemy suspects their princess is a budding dreamwalker, Lexa is drafted out of retirement and sent to Teltania to train the twelve-year-old girl. But hidden agendas complicate her mission, and Lexa doesn’t know whom to trust. Meanwhile, her own dreamwalking powers are waning when she needs them most. Can Lexa decipher the mysteries at every turn, or will the dreamscape claim yet another dreamwalker?

~~~

I hope you enjoyed your visit and come back for more!  You can subscribe using RSS, Twitter, or Facebook.  And if you want to ensure you don’t miss any new releases, you can sign up for the newsletter!

LOL Cat Contest

I think it’s time for another LOL Cat game, don’t you? Put on your thinking caps for this one because I’m going to be choosing the most clever or funniest caption to go with this picture. In addition, everyone who plays will be entered into a drawing to win an e-book! I’ll have a prize pack from which the winner may choose one book they’re interested in; see below for specific titles. Sound fun? Okay, show me what you got!

I will be picking the winners Thursday night and posting the results Friday. If you are not interested in being entered for the contest, just say so in your comment. Valid email is required for entries. 

Prizes to choose from: (Please note, the last three titles linked below may only be awarded through Kindle)

Any of my books (including my next release!), which you can read about here.

 The Fourth Channel by Jen Kirchner—a laugh-out-loud comic urban fantasy

 Souled by Diana Murdock—an intriguing YA paranormal

 Darkness Haunts by Susan Illene—a slightly dark, kick-ass urban fantasy

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I hope you enjoyed your visit and come back for more!  You can subscribe using RSS, Twitter, or Facebook.  And if you want to ensure you don’t miss any new releases, you can sign up for the newsletter!

Sneak Peek of Dreamstealer

With the release of Dreamstealer looming, here’s an excerpt to whet your appetite. This scene was inspired by these little things I saw at work one day. They’re some kind of plant found in the desert, but I’m turning them into something deliciously creepy. Hope you enjoy.

Image copyright Angela Wallace

Late that night, Lexa lay on top of her bed listening to the rain patter against the window and the wind whistle as it whipped in and out of the towers. She hadn’t meant to drift off, but in the next moment the sounds of the storm had been replaced with the silence of the dreamscape. She wandered absentmindedly until she returned to the dark forest where she had seen Dirk’s specter.

It was still a forest, but the bark on the trees was now black, like a coating of charcoal. The shadows in the canopy and along the forest floor looked bottomless, as though Lexa could fall right into them and be swallowed up. The gnarled trunks creaked and groaned, and the entire wood seemed to be moving, swaying. Something skittered through the treetops. Lexa raised her arm to summon a sword, but a shimmer of light in that dark place caught her attention. A wispy phantom floated toward her.

She froze, hope flickering deep down like a dying ember. “Dirk?”

The skittering in the trees increased in number, tap, tap, tapping so fast the sound started to buzz. The specter stopped ten feet from her. Dirk’s face rippled into view. Lexa gasped. Her hand twitched as though to reach out to him, but she held it back. Was it really him? His mouth moved, but no sound came out.

“What?” she shouted in frustration. The clicking movements were now all around her, though she still couldn’t see anything in the shadows. The trees felt as though they were bending down, oppressive and menacing.

Lexa’s head started to pound. She put her hands up to cover her ears as they throbbed with an intense ringing. “Stop it!” This was her dreamscape; it couldn’t hurt her.

The ghost of Dirk surged forward, enveloping her like a sheet of heavy, muggy fog. In a flash, the mysterious beings in the treetops descended—hundreds of three-legged, talon-shaped insects. They looked like fossilized bird claws, two thin legs curling on top, one on the bottom, with barbs at the tips. The middle body was no wider than a thumb with a split down the center for a mouth, except it looked sewn shut with fibrous roots.

The insects crawled down the trunks and dropped from the leaves onto Lexa’s shoulders. She swatted at them, but in an instant they swarmed over her head and down her body. The wiry thin legs snapped at her, pinching her clothes and hair, weighing her down as they multiplied on top of her. She twisted and turned, trying to get them off, and slipped onto one knee. She gasped, and breathed in the filmy substance that still covered her. Cold, wet slime slid down her throat. Gagging, she fell to her elbows. One of the creatures latched onto her neck and dug its barbs into her flesh. They bore down on her, pressing her face into the mud as she choked on the filmy ectoplasm.

With a shuddering start, she bolted upright in bed.

~~~

Watch for Dreamstealer coming this month! And be sure to read the first book, Dreamwalker, available at Amazon, B&N, and Kobo.

Add the book on Goodreads.

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Blackout Poetry

I came across this very interesting concept a couple weeks ago and discovered it’s an actual art form. So what is blackout poetry? Well, an artist takes a piece of printed material, whether a page out of a book, newspaper, article, etc. and draws swirls or images all over it, blacking out most of the words. BUT, the key is that select words are left untouched, creating a poem. Fascinating, huh?

So I thought I’d give it a try. I approached mine more like a doodle, which is why the scrawlings are kind of random. Perhaps that’s why the people who make these are considered artists, not writers. Anyway, I’ve seen some gorgeous pictures of blacked out drawings that relate to the topic of the poem. I won’t re-post them here because of copyright issues, but type “blackout poetry” into Google and be amazed at what pops up.

Copyright Angela Wallace 2013

Not the best “poem” lol, but it was a fun exercise to try. If any of you feel an itch to give it a go, I’d love to see what you come up with!

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Inside the Life of a Talking Necromancer’s Knife

I have a very special guest on the blog today. He’s a necromancer’s best friend, and this guy has the honor of working with Kari Hunter, the “worst necromancer on the planet”. Please welcome Stubby!

Thanks for having me. I always knew that I would one day rise to greatness. Sure, I hoped it would be because I finally reached my dreams of stabbing a million butt cheeks, but this is almost as good.

Uh, before we get started, I just want to remind Stubby that this is a family-friendly blog, and there will be no murdering, stabbing, or poking of the guests while he’s here.

What? I’ve been tricked! If I had legs I’d march right out of here…

Luckily for our audience, you don’t have legs, so let’s get to it, shall we? I understand you don’t get to work with Kari much, her being anti-sacrifice and all. What do you do with your time?

I actually do get to work with Kari, even more now that Mouth, another knife of hers, is gone. Sadly, Kari wastes her time and squanders her potential as one of the most spectacular killers in history by researching magic on the plane of the dead. So whenever someone needs a pinky or toe stabbed to set off a blood power, I’m your knife. When my spectacular stabbing services aren’t needed, I like to kick back with my fellow knives and watch a little TV.

What’s your favorite TV show?

I don’t have a favorite, but I typically watch crime shows. Can’t get enough of them. I’m always on the edge of my seat, hoping that the heroic killer will get away. Sadly, they rarely do.

Uh, right… Can you give us any juicy secrets about Kari? You know, the kind I can sell to the tabloids for beaucoup bucks?

Yes! Now come close and listen to me very carefully. The truth is: Kari sucks. Come to think of it, that’s not really a secret…

I hope she reads this interview. I hear she has a very special form of punishment for when you misbehave… Oh, no comment now? How about if you could stab anyone in the world, who would it be?

I’m afraid to answer. It might give me another week in the underwear drawer. Don’t laugh! You don’t know what it’s like in there, choking on lace and satin and the scent of flowers. Horrible. Kim Jong Un.

*snickers* Do you think Kari and Mikelis make a cute couple?

Yes! I have high hopes that one day they will become a terrific killing duo!

…

Why are you looking at me like that? Isn’t that what you meant?

What about Kari and the actor Cody Springer?

I like that Cody guy. I hope he sticks around. I think if Kari were finally going to snap and kill someone, it would be him. And my services are always available, if you know what I mean.

Sadly, I do. Now be honest, do you wish Kari didn’t keep her identity a secret so she could take you on tour? Maybe you could even be in the band?

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of living a life on the road, in the spotlight, on the stage, with plenty of adoring groupies to stab backstage. I’d make a great percussion instrument, where I make rhythmic, soothing sounds of sawing people’s limbs off or that squelchy sound of stabbing someone repeatedly in the big toe. Kenny G, call me.

Perhaps that’s not the best idea after all. If you weren’t confined to a drawer or whoever’s holding you, what would be your dream for your life?

Besides stabbing a million butt cheeks? I’d love to be an actor and star in my own crime series as the most amazing murder weapon of all time!

Sounds thrilling. Thank you for taking time to chat with me today!

Want more of Stubby? Check out The Fourth Channel by Jen Kirchner.

For years, Kari Hunter’s fooled the world into thinking she’s just an everyday girl. Sure, she’s the lead singer of world-renowned band Vis Viva, but outside of that, she recycles religiously, is an avid supporter of the environment, and she’s a certifiable coffee addict. But Kari has a secret she keeps from her family, friends, and fans.

Kari Hunter is a necromancer.

The rarest and most powerful of all magic-born, necromancers are notorious for leaving a trail of sacrifices in their wake. But Kari isn’t interested in hurting anyone. She works hard at being as un-necromancer-like as possible: everyone she stabs gets a bandage and a lollipop, and whenever her sacrificial knives get too excited by the prospect of violence, she puts them in time-out… in her lingerie drawer.

But when an agent of voodoo master Ruairí O’Bryne catches Kari using her powers, her secret’s out. And if Ruairí finds out who Kari is, he’ll stop at nothing to make her his next sacrifice.

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LOL Cat Shuffle Results!

Congratulations to Diana Beebe! Her caption suggestion was selected as the winner for our LOL Cat Shuffle. I used a very scientific process for this: I wrote all the suggestions on strips of paper, folded them several times, and then tossed them in the air in front of the kitten. The first one she attacked and chewed on was declared the winner. See? So here it is!

Thanks to everyone for playing! I hope you come back the next time I have an LOL Cat Shuffle. Sadly though, my little darlings have been doing so many cute things and they STOP before I can get the camera out. I need to wear it around my neck 24/7 or something. Or install security cameras.

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I hope you enjoyed your visit and come back for more!  You can subscribe using RSS, Twitter, or Facebook.  And if you want to ensure you don’t miss any new releases (one’s coming up in a couple months!), you can sign up for the newsletter!

LOL Cat Shuffle

Okay everyone, time to put your thinking caps on. I have another cute cat picture in need of a funny caption in order to make it an LOL cat picture. So drink some coffee, browse for inspiration, and practice your poor spelling. Here we go!

Thursday night I’ll put all your suggestions in a box…maybe I’ll even let one of the cats dig out the winner. And remember to come back Friday and see the final LOL cat picture!

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