What is your character’s love language?

Hey guys, today I’m going to talk about character building.  There are a lot of methods and exercises for developing a character.  One of my friends, when trying to get to know her character, will write her in the midst of various emotions: what is she like when she’s happy, when she’s mad, sad, goofy, humiliated, etc.

Another layer to understanding your character is to know what his or her love language is.  Some of you are thinking this only applies to romance writers, but a person’s love language isn’t only about romantic love; it’s about what makes them feel valued and cared for in their relationships.  This might also help you with insight into causes for conflict, especially if your characters have different love languages.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  First, here are the Five Love Languages as defined by Gary Chapman (here’s the website if you want to read more about it; there’s even a published book).

Words of Affirmation–Compliments, praise, and the words “I love you” are very important to this person.  In turn, any insult or verbal degradation could be devastating.  “Sticks and Stones, but words may never hurt me” does not apply to them.

Quality Time–full, undivided attention.  No “let’s have a conversation while I watch TV,” or in a fantasy story (told you it applies across genres), “can you please stop sharpening your sword so we can talk?”  Being cancelled on, or having dates postponed, or the date showing up late are very hurtful.

Receiving Gifts–This person appreciates well-thought-out gifts, gifts that the giver took time to tailor to this specific person.  To the person with this love language, they feel valued when people show they care for and know them when they give them special gifts.  It’s not about materialism, but the thought behind it.  Which means that thoughtless or last-minute gifts are hurtful.  Forgetting occasions where gifts are usually given, like birthdays and anniversaries, is also devastating.

Acts of Service–Helping out and easing one’s burden can show this type of person they’re loved and valued.  The old family sitcom stereotype, “why won’t my husband help clean the house?” probably stems from this love language.  Not helping or making one’s work harder does not speak love to this person.

Physical Touch–Don’t all rush to sex here.  Holding hands, pats on the back, soft touches, and hugs are what make this person feel loved.  Withholding these from someone who needs them will feel like neglect.

So if you have two people, Sherri whose love language is Quality Time, and Marcus who likes gifts, there’s bound to be some conflict.  Marcus the pirate brings back booty to give to his sweetheart because that’s how he feels and communicates love.  Sherri the wench with wanderlust feels like she’s being bought off when all she really wants is for Marcus to sail away with her so they can have adventures and raid merchant ships together.  It’s not their love for each other that’s in question, but how they express it.

Your book might never go into love languages, and your characters never sit down and say, “you know, I’m feeling really unloved because my love language is ___.”  That’s probably a good thing.  We don’t want to get expository on our readers.  Even if you never use these types of conflict, you will still know one more thing about your characters, and it’s up to authors to know everything, even the stuff we don’t show our readers.

So what do you guys think?  Have you ever thought about your character’s love language?  Maybe you have, just under another label?  Do you know what your love language is?

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12 comments on “What is your character’s love language?

  1. Great post! Five Love Languages is an excellent book. I haven’t conscientiously thought about my characters’ love language but you’re so right that it adds a layer to character development.

    BTW…Love that header picture 🙂

  2. Great post, and great source material. Chapman’s “The Five Languages of Apology” is another goodie – and provides a lot of material for generating tension and conflict through mis-matched communication.

  3. Very interesting! I know Kindra’s love language right away (Acts of Service, which Gar is good at), but I’m not so sure about Kaye. I will have to ponder this now! 🙂

  4. Interesting post! I’d never thought of this before, but I can certainly see how it would enhance my characters and their interactions. Thanks!

  5. Lyn Midnight says:

    RIGHT! That makes so much sense! I mean, we do what we ourselves like, sometimes without thinking what others like! (referring to the present/quality time couple)

    I myself am the gift type. I don’t need fancy gifts, though. In fact, the mere thought outweighs the price 100 times, so if it’s a dirty penny carrying a sweet message, I’d take it… and wash my hands after. 😛

    I like this kind of character development exercise. I usually concentrate on flaws more, sometimes forgetting about what my characters appreciate. Thanks for reminding me, Angela. OK, I’m dying to call you Angie, can I?

    • I feel like I should put a disclaimer message in future birthday cards, “if your love language is gifts, I deeply apologize for what you’re about to open.”

      I’ve never been called Angie before, so I guess you can be the first. I think it’ll work virtually, but if we were to ever pass each other on the street and you shouted that name, I would ignore you. 😛

  6. […] What is your character’s love language?–(Most Helpful) […]

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