Inside the Life of a Talking Necromancer’s Knife

I have a very special guest on the blog today. He’s a necromancer’s best friend, and this guy has the honor of working with Kari Hunter, the “worst necromancer on the planet”. Please welcome Stubby!

Thanks for having me. I always knew that I would one day rise to greatness. Sure, I hoped it would be because I finally reached my dreams of stabbing a million butt cheeks, but this is almost as good.

Uh, before we get started, I just want to remind Stubby that this is a family-friendly blog, and there will be no murdering, stabbing, or poking of the guests while he’s here.

What? I’ve been tricked! If I had legs I’d march right out of here…

Luckily for our audience, you don’t have legs, so let’s get to it, shall we? I understand you don’t get to work with Kari much, her being anti-sacrifice and all. What do you do with your time?

I actually do get to work with Kari, even more now that Mouth, another knife of hers, is gone. Sadly, Kari wastes her time and squanders her potential as one of the most spectacular killers in history by researching magic on the plane of the dead. So whenever someone needs a pinky or toe stabbed to set off a blood power, I’m your knife. When my spectacular stabbing services aren’t needed, I like to kick back with my fellow knives and watch a little TV.

What’s your favorite TV show?

I don’t have a favorite, but I typically watch crime shows. Can’t get enough of them. I’m always on the edge of my seat, hoping that the heroic killer will get away. Sadly, they rarely do.

Uh, right… Can you give us any juicy secrets about Kari? You know, the kind I can sell to the tabloids for beaucoup bucks?

Yes! Now come close and listen to me very carefully. The truth is: Kari sucks. Come to think of it, that’s not really a secret…

I hope she reads this interview. I hear she has a very special form of punishment for when you misbehave… Oh, no comment now? How about if you could stab anyone in the world, who would it be?

I’m afraid to answer. It might give me another week in the underwear drawer. Don’t laugh! You don’t know what it’s like in there, choking on lace and satin and the scent of flowers. Horrible. Kim Jong Un.

*snickers* Do you think Kari and Mikelis make a cute couple?

Yes! I have high hopes that one day they will become a terrific killing duo!

…

Why are you looking at me like that? Isn’t that what you meant?

What about Kari and the actor Cody Springer?

I like that Cody guy. I hope he sticks around. I think if Kari were finally going to snap and kill someone, it would be him. And my services are always available, if you know what I mean.

Sadly, I do. Now be honest, do you wish Kari didn’t keep her identity a secret so she could take you on tour? Maybe you could even be in the band?

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of living a life on the road, in the spotlight, on the stage, with plenty of adoring groupies to stab backstage. I’d make a great percussion instrument, where I make rhythmic, soothing sounds of sawing people’s limbs off or that squelchy sound of stabbing someone repeatedly in the big toe. Kenny G, call me.

Perhaps that’s not the best idea after all. If you weren’t confined to a drawer or whoever’s holding you, what would be your dream for your life?

Besides stabbing a million butt cheeks? I’d love to be an actor and star in my own crime series as the most amazing murder weapon of all time!

Sounds thrilling. Thank you for taking time to chat with me today!

Want more of Stubby? Check out The Fourth Channel by Jen Kirchner.

For years, Kari Hunter’s fooled the world into thinking she’s just an everyday girl. Sure, she’s the lead singer of world-renowned band Vis Viva, but outside of that, she recycles religiously, is an avid supporter of the environment, and she’s a certifiable coffee addict. But Kari has a secret she keeps from her family, friends, and fans.

Kari Hunter is a necromancer.

The rarest and most powerful of all magic-born, necromancers are notorious for leaving a trail of sacrifices in their wake. But Kari isn’t interested in hurting anyone. She works hard at being as un-necromancer-like as possible: everyone she stabs gets a bandage and a lollipop, and whenever her sacrificial knives get too excited by the prospect of violence, she puts them in time-out… in her lingerie drawer.

But when an agent of voodoo master Ruairí O’Bryne catches Kari using her powers, her secret’s out. And if Ruairí finds out who Kari is, he’ll stop at nothing to make her his next sacrifice.

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