My Little Ponies of the Caribbean

Jen Kirchner and I are at it again! This time we’re both taking the movie Pirates of the Caribbean and putting a slightly different twist on it. Here, I’m giving you the My Little Pony version. Over on Jen’s blog, she’s giving you Snake Plissken for the whole month of May! And today it’s “Escape from the Black Pearl.” I’ll include the link at the bottom so you don’t have to scroll back up. Enjoy. 😉

 Ponies of the Caribbean

Captain Applejack (the worst pirate you’ve ever heard of) arrives in Port Royal hoping to find a new ship. He sets his sights on a mighty fine vessel…unfortunately guarded by the royal army. No matter, Applejack can talk his way into anything. While trying to distract the guards with tales of the dreaded pony pirate ship, the Black Pearl, he sees young Elizabeth Swan fall into the bay.

Applejack dives into the water to save her. Elizabeth ends up being quite heavy in the hideous dress she’s wearing. Applejack begs the sea ponies to help him, but they swim off in a rush. Whatever happened to “Call upon the sea ponies, simply signal SOS?” Jerks.

Applejack gets Elizabeth to shore, but alas, no good deed goes unpunished, and Clydesdale Norrington has him arrested. Captain Applejack makes a daring escape with a few cartwheels, and using a pulley system, flies into the air away from the soldiers. He tries to hide in a blacksmith’s shop where he encounters young Willy Turner.

Willy is abhorred. “Pirate!” He tries to horseshoe Applejack. The two duel, and Applejack loses. He’s arrested, jailed, and sentenced to be sent over the rainbow in the morn.

That night, after hearing from the sea ponies what Miss Swan had around her pretty neck, the pirate ship the Black Pearl sails into Port Royal. Elizabeth is kidnapped and taken aboard to Captain Berrybosa. Knowing the pirates want her gold medallion, she pleads for the safety of the town in exchange for the gold. Berrybosa calls off the attack, but keeps Elizabeth and the medallion.

You see, the crew of the Pearl are under a terrible curse. When the moon comes out, they break out in song and dance as though life were a musical. That is no way for hardcore pirates to behave. Since Elizabeth is a filly, she must have an angelic voice that will be sacrificed to break the curse.

Willy, of course, is in love with Elizabeth and will do anything to rescue her, including making a deal with Captain Applejack. Applejack agrees to help Willy find and save Elizabeth in exchange for breaking him out of jail. Though, Applejack’s true interest is in stealing the Pearl back from his mutinous first mate, Berrybosa.

Captain Applejack

On the island where the cursed Aztec gold is kept, Captain Berrybosa forces Elizabeth to sing and drop the coin into the chest. She’s quite nervous, and starts with a stutter. This is worse than when she auditioned for American Idol. The pirates snarl and shout obscenities at her—nope, Simon Cowell was worse—and she manages to get out a few notes. The pirates cover their ears and writhe on the ground. She can’t sing on key and her pitch sounds like a freight train’s screeching wheels.

The pirates scream and sob; they’re still cursed to sing and dance. Willy arrives and whisks Elizabeth away, but leaves Applejack behind. Never trust a pirate and all, though in this case it seems never trust Willy.

When Applejack learns of the curse, he makes a deal with Berrybosa. As it turns out, Willy has an amazing singing voice. Applejack heard it one night while Willy whistled while he worked. The pirates pursue them, catch them, and sink their ship.

Berrybosa, of course, isn’t going to keep his deal with Applejack, and maroons him on an island. He sends Elizabeth along as well, hoping her banshee singing will drive the pony crazy. Then Berrybosa takes Willy back to the island to break the curse.

Elizabeth starts singing a sad, sad song, and Applejack quickly goes for a hidden cache used by rum runners to drink himself tone deaf. After he passes out, Elizabeth uses all the rum to light a bonfire that any ship within miles will see. Sure enough, Clydesdale Norrington sees the flames and rescues them.

Captain Berrybosa

Elizabeth agrees to marry Norrington only if he will consent to rescue Willy. They arrive at the island, and Applejack convinces the royal navy to let him go in first. Alone. Elizabeth thinks this is a terrible idea, but she’s just a filly, so they lock her up instead. <sigh> Men. She sneaks off the ship and over to the Pearl where she rescues Applejack’s crew, but they take off, leaving her to rescue Willy alone. What about the power of friendship, guys?!

Meanwhile, Applejack tricks Berrybosa into sending the crew out to battle the royal navy. It’s a cloudy night, so no big deal. But what’s this? Applejack’s “special compass” actually holds the Rainbow of Light, which he releases, and it swoops into the night to carry the clouds away. The moon shines down on the pirates and they break out into song and dance. The royal navy is flabbergasted at first, but the pirates have had some practice choreographing their fight moves for this kind of situation, and the battle rages on.

Applejack turns on Berrybosa and they battle it out while Elizabeth sneaks in to rescue Willy. Berrybosa tries to shoot Elizabeth, but then Applejack surprises everyone by opening his mouth and belting out in a crystal clear opera voice. Willy drops the last coin into the chest, and the curse is broken! All the pirates singing and dancing on the ship suddenly stop. They’re so surprised by the loss of rhythm—and how uncoordinated they are—they surrender.

Everyone is safe, and now Captain Applejack is not only a hero, but is being bombarded with calls from agents. Even Simon Cowell wants to sign a record deal with him. But Applejack’s heart is with the Pearl, who sails in to save him at the last moment from the crowds of fawning teenage girls.

Elizabeth, who is a little miffed that she didn’t get called back to American Idol, nevertheless is allowed to marry Willy.
“Don’t worry,” he tells her. “Love is all the music we need.”

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Now be sure to head over to Jen’s blog for Escape from the Black Pearl!

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Inside the Life of a Talking Necromancer’s Knife

I have a very special guest on the blog today. He’s a necromancer’s best friend, and this guy has the honor of working with Kari Hunter, the “worst necromancer on the planet”. Please welcome Stubby!

Thanks for having me. I always knew that I would one day rise to greatness. Sure, I hoped it would be because I finally reached my dreams of stabbing a million butt cheeks, but this is almost as good.

Uh, before we get started, I just want to remind Stubby that this is a family-friendly blog, and there will be no murdering, stabbing, or poking of the guests while he’s here.

What? I’ve been tricked! If I had legs I’d march right out of here…

Luckily for our audience, you don’t have legs, so let’s get to it, shall we? I understand you don’t get to work with Kari much, her being anti-sacrifice and all. What do you do with your time?

I actually do get to work with Kari, even more now that Mouth, another knife of hers, is gone. Sadly, Kari wastes her time and squanders her potential as one of the most spectacular killers in history by researching magic on the plane of the dead. So whenever someone needs a pinky or toe stabbed to set off a blood power, I’m your knife. When my spectacular stabbing services aren’t needed, I like to kick back with my fellow knives and watch a little TV.

What’s your favorite TV show?

I don’t have a favorite, but I typically watch crime shows. Can’t get enough of them. I’m always on the edge of my seat, hoping that the heroic killer will get away. Sadly, they rarely do.

Uh, right… Can you give us any juicy secrets about Kari? You know, the kind I can sell to the tabloids for beaucoup bucks?

Yes! Now come close and listen to me very carefully. The truth is: Kari sucks. Come to think of it, that’s not really a secret…

I hope she reads this interview. I hear she has a very special form of punishment for when you misbehave… Oh, no comment now? How about if you could stab anyone in the world, who would it be?

I’m afraid to answer. It might give me another week in the underwear drawer. Don’t laugh! You don’t know what it’s like in there, choking on lace and satin and the scent of flowers. Horrible. Kim Jong Un.

*snickers* Do you think Kari and Mikelis make a cute couple?

Yes! I have high hopes that one day they will become a terrific killing duo!

…

Why are you looking at me like that? Isn’t that what you meant?

What about Kari and the actor Cody Springer?

I like that Cody guy. I hope he sticks around. I think if Kari were finally going to snap and kill someone, it would be him. And my services are always available, if you know what I mean.

Sadly, I do. Now be honest, do you wish Kari didn’t keep her identity a secret so she could take you on tour? Maybe you could even be in the band?

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of living a life on the road, in the spotlight, on the stage, with plenty of adoring groupies to stab backstage. I’d make a great percussion instrument, where I make rhythmic, soothing sounds of sawing people’s limbs off or that squelchy sound of stabbing someone repeatedly in the big toe. Kenny G, call me.

Perhaps that’s not the best idea after all. If you weren’t confined to a drawer or whoever’s holding you, what would be your dream for your life?

Besides stabbing a million butt cheeks? I’d love to be an actor and star in my own crime series as the most amazing murder weapon of all time!

Sounds thrilling. Thank you for taking time to chat with me today!

Want more of Stubby? Check out The Fourth Channel by Jen Kirchner.

For years, Kari Hunter’s fooled the world into thinking she’s just an everyday girl. Sure, she’s the lead singer of world-renowned band Vis Viva, but outside of that, she recycles religiously, is an avid supporter of the environment, and she’s a certifiable coffee addict. But Kari has a secret she keeps from her family, friends, and fans.

Kari Hunter is a necromancer.

The rarest and most powerful of all magic-born, necromancers are notorious for leaving a trail of sacrifices in their wake. But Kari isn’t interested in hurting anyone. She works hard at being as un-necromancer-like as possible: everyone she stabs gets a bandage and a lollipop, and whenever her sacrificial knives get too excited by the prospect of violence, she puts them in time-out… in her lingerie drawer.

But when an agent of voodoo master Ruairí O’Bryne catches Kari using her powers, her secret’s out. And if Ruairí finds out who Kari is, he’ll stop at nothing to make her his next sacrifice.

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Friendship Is Magic: Much Ado About Nothing

Love is in the air! I hope you all had a nice Valentine’s Day. And now get ready because Jen Kirchner and I are revamping two famous looove stories. Over here we’re taking Shakespeare’s comedy Much Ado About Nothing and giving it a Friendship Is Magic twist. Then be sure to hop over to Jen’s blog where she brings some much needed ass-whupping with Better With Predator: Fifty Shades of Predator. (I’ll include the link again at the bottom for easy referencing. 🙂 )

   Don Pedro and his nobleponies return from war after having quashed the melancholic uprising led by his pessimistic half-brother Don John. Among the victors are the sharp-tongued Benedick and the young Count Claudio. The gay and triumphant party comes to stay with Leonato and his family. Witty Benedick and fierce Beatrice have a longtime war of words between the two, and boyish Claudio has fallen in love with Beatrice’s cousin, Hero. When Prince Don Pedro learns of Claudio’s feelings, he insists on arranging the match.

Ever sullen and ill-tempered, Don John means to mess with these good intentions.

At a masquerade ball, Prince Don Pedro plans to woo Hero and then give her to Claudio. But his grumpy brother tells Claudio that the prince loves Hero and plans to gallop off into the sunset with her himself. The poor sap falls for it. He turns green with jealousy for all to see, but after a pouting display of barely refrained tears and a quivering lip, he deflates when Don Pedro gives him Hero as promised.

Now the prince needs to pass the time until the wedding. Ah, perfect! He’ll see to matchmaking Benedick and Beatrice! Of course, with the two ponies sworn off marriage, that will be quite the challenge.

Leonato, Claudio, and the Prince stage a loud conversation of how much Beatrice loves Benedick, how she whinnies in fits of painful love, knowing that Benedick is hiding within earshot. Hero and her gentlewoman play the same trick on Beatrice. They both fall for it hook, line, and sinker.

Disgusted with the merrymaking and not to be defeated, Don John has his dragon servant Borachio meet with Hero’s gentlepony in Hero’s chamber window where they share a triple hot fudge sundae. Don John brings Claudio and the Prince to witness this breach of the boyfriend/girlfriend code and convinces them it is Hero. Claudio, of course, is heartbroken. Hot fudge sundaes are his favorite.

Celebrating his mischief-making, Borachio brags of his act in the ears of the watchponies, who then arrest him. The next morning, Constable Dogberry goes to Leonato to have the fiendish dragon examined, but Leonato is too impatient preparing for the wedding to decipher Dogberry’s incoherent babble around his slobbering muzzle.

At the wedding, Claudio takes the bride and groom’s ceremonial ice cream cake and shoves it in Hero’s face, and then leaves her at the altar. Publicly disgraced, Hero balls her eyes out over the ruined wedding, and the ruined cake she spent all night making. The Friar plots to hide Hero and publish that upon Claudio’s vile and hurtful words, she died. (Sugar overdose may have played a part as well.)

Beatrice and Benedick linger to share a sweet moment alone where they declare their love for one another. Beatrice then asks Benedick to shave Claudio’s mane and tail and horseshoe him.
Benedick’s response: “Um, let’s be friends first!”
After more ranting from the also sugar dosed Beatrice, Benedick finally agrees to challenge Claudio. Just after the horseshoe is thrown down, the story of Don John’s deception comes to light and Claudio and the Prince are sorely grieved for their mistake. Claudio begs Leonato for forgiveness, and the old pony gives it on the condition that Claudio marry Beatrice. Claudio agrees.

When the bride is brought forth, veiled, she is revealed to be none other than Hero herself. They profess their undying love. Benedick and Beatrice discover everyone had played with their heart strings and declare they in fact don’t love each other, but Hero and Claudio produce evidence to the contrary: school notebooks with each other’s name drawn in hearts. They kiss and all are friends again. With the exception of Don John, who is caught after escaping. Benedick devises grave punishments for him, beginning with listening to “It’s A Small World” over and over in chipmunk voices. And they all go prancing into happily ever after.

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Now don’t forget to hop over and read about Fifty Shades of Predator!

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