Missing the Miracle

In January of 2007, I answered an inner calling to travel to Spokane, Washington.  I’m not a spontaneous person, but something tugged at me with a strength and allure I could not deny–hope.

One of my friends from college lived up there and told me about the Healing Rooms.  It was a place people came from all over to seek and find healing prayer.  I’ve had health problems my entire life.  Even with advances in technology, my diabetes was severe, and the very modern day conveniences that made controlling it easier often caused me great pain.  I had only been diagnosed with celiac three years before and was still in denial.  On top of that, I had been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts for the past fourteen years.

So I bought a plane ticket, even though I hate to fly and dislike travel, not to mention it was freezing cold in a place that saw heavy snowfall.  (While there, I learned that snow is only pretty after the first fall.  Then it becomes brown slush.)  I was a senior in college, and was spending my cherished winter break chasing hope.

My friend took me to visit the Healing Rooms.  It was like a free clinic, in a way.  First come, first serve.  There were several rooms where volunteers gathered in numbers of two or three to meet with people and pray over them.  They praised a high success rate, and even local hospitals invited them to come down and pray with patients.  I didn’t go in that first day.  We looked around, picked up a few pamphlets and a book, and went home where we dove into the Bible, examining the verses and passages their faith was based on.  We even visited some local pastors to discuss the matter with them.

And you know what?  I found no flaw in their beliefs.

I went back to the Healing Rooms and asked for prayer that God would cure me of my diabetes and gluten allergy.  Before they prayed, one of the men stepped forward and said he sensed there was something else I needed healing from–my depression.  I had forgotten about it, believing that if my physical troubles were over, that would follow.  They laid hands on me and prayed for healing, calling upon the promises in the Bible and the promise of life in Christ.

And I believed.

Then came the tricky part: when would I experience my full healing?  For the next couple days, my diabetes got markedly better.  I started decreasing my medication without consequence.  But days turned into weeks, and weeks into months.  Still, I held on to this hope that God would heal me of my afflictions.

Hope turned to disappointment, to anger.

Before you come to the conclusion that God doesn’t exist or miracles don’t happen, let me say that in my anger and hurt, I missed the miracle.  I am sad to say that it took me a whole year before I realized that God indeed had healed something very important–my depression.  Since that day, I have not had one day lost to despair, one suicidal thought.  God may not have healed me the way I wanted, but He did heal the thing that was preventing me from having a relationship with Him.

I still believe God will heal me of the other stuff someday, though whether it be in this life or in the next, that is up to Him.  I realized the wrongness in my prayers those years ago.  God is not a genie for us to call upon when we want something.  Answering my prayer the *way* I wanted would not have brought Him glory.  Even today, in this new year, not knowing how I will pay for my medical supplies without insurance, deeply desiring miraculous healing so life would be easier, I know that it would not teach me faith the way God wants to.

Stripped of everything I have ever depended on, I am left with only Him.  There is a profound peace to be had living in full dependence on God.  It is something I am only beginning to glimpse and understand, as fear still gnaws at me.  And while the road may be harder, if God were to grant me a healing modern medicine can’t explain, I would miss another, greater miracle–learning to live in and love God’s everyday provision.

~~~~~~~

Phoenix Feather is on sale now for $.99 on Amazon!

The feather and who it represents is both a catalyst for darkness and destruction, and the vessel of love and hope.  In a world full of joy and sorrow, love and misery, this agent is a light seeking a balance between two inevitable realities in a sinful world, and is ultimately the final hope for something better.

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26 comments on “Missing the Miracle

  1. You are so right, Angela. Sometimes when we expect a certain outcome and don’t receive it exactly how we want it, we miss the true delivery. I find it easier to focus on the end result – happiness, prosperity – without focusing on the “cursed hows” as Mike Dooley would say. By expecting something in one particular manner limits the method of delivery.

    Keep the faith, Angela. I am so happy to see you healed of your depression. Hugs, A!

  2. What a lovely story, Angela. At least you finally got the miracle in all of this. Some people never get that far, they keep waiting for God to fix everything. I think God is a little busy and needs some help. Depression sucks, no two ways about it. If you had to pick one of the three to be healed of, that was a good one since everything else is dependent on your mental health. I’m saddened that you have celiac and diabetes, two very un-fun things, but like you, I keep the faith and hope that someday you’ll be cured from them. Or at least healed enough that they are a minor inconvenience in your life and not life threatening.

    Be well sweet girl.

    • Hi Tameri. 🙂 Yes, the depression was the worst of the three, though at the time, I believed it was a result of my physical problems. But depression is such an ugly monster on its own. It can hurt even those who have relatively good lives. I don’t imagine I would have made it to this point, this place with all of you amazing people, if it were still bogging me down.

  3. Angela — I am so sorry to hear of your health problems and your concerns. But, I am glad to hear of your faith in God and the belief in the miracles in your life. And as Tameri said, your mental health really affects the body’s physical health, so it’s a blessing that you were healed of the depression. For one so young, you have a firm grasp of who you are and who God is. I struggle with some health and physical disabilities as well so I can relate to what you’re going through. It’s not always easy, but I try to remember that God never gives us more than we can handle. I’ll keep you in my prayers. {{{hugs}}}

    • Hey Rhonda, you’re absolutely right about God not giving us more than we can handle. I also strive to believe that what He does give us, He does to make us stronger.

      “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame” ~Romans 5: 3-5

      Believing the truth in that verse isn’t always easy either, but I love that it’s there. 🙂 *hugs to you too*

  4. Stacy Green says:

    What an an amazing post, Angela. I know your health problems have been tough, and I’m so glad you found some help through this. Depression is awful and can affect everything else, so I’m glad you are feeling so much better on that front. Hoping your health continues to improve:)

  5. Elena Aitken says:

    So glad to hear that you’ve moved beyond your depression, that’s a very hard thing to overcome. And good for you for looking beyond the expectation and hope of you were wanting to happen to see the good that DID happen!
    I hope your health continues to improve. 🙂

    • Thanks Elena. 🙂 I’m not the one who overcame it. Nothing on my part could have defeated that enemy, only God. I don’t stand here today on the power of my own two feet, but because of Him. 🙂

  6. This is a beautiful story. I have had a discussion with my 9 year old son, who got angry because God wouldn’t answer his prayers. I told him that God gives us wisdom to find solutions on our own. He doesn’t handle answers to all our troubles in a pretty basket. He wants us to experience the good and the bad in life and learn from it so we can become better people. We often turn our back on God too, so how can we expect Him to cater to all our needs.

    Battling health problems gets discouraging, tough, disappointing. I know from experience. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that your health will gradually become better.

    Big hugs.

    • Hey Angela! Teaching children how to pray and how to handle God’s answers is tough. I applaud you. It’s not an easy lesson to learn. Heck, I was an adult when I still needed to learn it. 😉

  7. Thanks for sharing this, Angela. I’m so glad to hear that you’re not struggling with depression anymore and I hope that it doesn’t come back.

    • There were probably many times I spent chatting with you late into the night, Taryn. I probably also never expressed my gratitude properly to everyone who did that for me. I know it wasn’t easy being my friend during that time. So thanks for your friendship. 🙂

  8. What an amazing story, Angela. Thank you for being transparent about your hopes, disappointments, hurt, and anger. So many people fear voicing their disappointment. I remember the time when I acknowledged that God was not a gumball dispenser – drop a penny in, get a treat out – and once my views were changed, it was like the floodgates opened and I saw His blessings everywhere.

    Love this post and the honesty you are offering. 🙂

    • Thank you, Bridgette. 🙂 I believe we have to tell our stories, for how else can God work good through our trials and suffering? Sure, He can teach me through them, but He can reach so many other people too. It makes the trial mean something. I’m glad you experienced that sense of recognizing the real blessings. Isn’t it amazing? 🙂

  9. People arrive at healing in their lives from many different directions. I’m so happy that your depression is gone.

  10. Lynette says:

    Angela, this is a beautiful story of healing. It can be so hard to step back from what we want and see what we receive. I applaud you for sharing this story. And I am humbled and reminded by you to look for the miracle. Thank you.

    • Thank you, Lynette. I knew one day I would have to share this story, but for the longest time, I didn’t know how to put it into words. Then, what do you know, I have a blog, and the words come. He’s still moving in my life. And, I hope, in the lives of everyone who reads this. 🙂

  11. T.F.Walsh says:

    Despite the initial anger, the outcome is such a nice one… you no longer feeling the depression must be a huge weight off you…:) Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. It reminds me to sometimes step back and look at the bigger picture of what has gone right, not always focusing on what hasn’t:)

  12. Alina Sayre says:

    This is awesome, Angela. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s so hard to grasp unless you’ve experienced it: God’s goal is not to be a genie fixing all our problems; it’s for us to know Him more. And that often comes, as you said, when we are stripped of everything else but Him. It’s not the action of a sadist. It’s the soft call of a Lover–in a language we do not yet fully understand. Love you 🙂

  13. Katy says:

    An amazing post, Angela. Thank you for sharing such an important message. And so glad to hear that you recovered from an illness that is far too often not taken seriously. And look at all you have achieved since with being self published and all! Amazing!

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